12 proofs that homicidalape is actually a vampire

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Preamble

So I was sitting there studying some Euro History, and then all of a sudden it hits me. WHAT IF HOMICIDALAPE WERE A VAMPIRE?! But wait, then it struck me with horror: HomicidalApe must already be a vampire! I did some investigation. Here are my results:

1. Argument from a name standpoint

  • HomicidalApe must be homicidal.
  • Homicidal means "having a murderous attempt".
  • People with murderous attempts are bloodthirsty.
  • Vampires are bloodthirsty.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe must be a vampire.

2. Argument from a medical standpoint

  • Vampires drink blood.
  • Some blood samples are known to carry the AIDS virus.
  • Vampires, though immortal, can still be prone to disease.
  • Vampires have AIDS
  • "Everyone has AIDS! AIDS AIDS AIDS AIDS!"
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

3. Argument from an age standpoint

  • HomicidalApe always denies its his birthday.
  • Those in denial about their birthdays must be old and grumpy.
  • Vampires are immortal.
  • Vampires, therefore, must be old.
  • Vampires are sometimes grumpy.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

4. Argument from a mapping standpoint

5. Argument from an ethnic standpoint

  • HomicidalApe is of European descent.
  • Transylvania is in Europe.
  • Vampires live in Transylvania.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

6. Argument from a magnesium standpoint

  • Vampire sweat contains traces of magnesium which may spontaneously combust under direct sunlight.
  • Vampires hate sunlight.
  • Bright artificial light can be used as a substitute for sunlight when killing vampires.
  • Flashbangs are pretty bright.
  • HomicidalApe always gets angry when I throw flashbangs at him (which coincidentally also contain magnesium)
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe must be a vampire

7. Argument from a social class standpoint

  • HomicidalApe is a jerk sometimes.
  • Nobles and aristocrats tend to be jerky and snobbish.
  • Vampires are usually counts and nobles and stuff.
  • Therefore HomicidalApe is a vampire.

8. Argument from a nerdy standpoint

  • HomicidalApe is a nerd.
  • Nerds tend to read lots of books and are smarty pants.
  • Vampires are very well-read and intellectual.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

9. Argument from an emotional standpoint

  • HomicidalApe is a a teenager.
  • All teenagers are emo.
  • Emos are dark and brooding.
  • Vampires are dark and brooding.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

10. Argument from a standpoint of talkativeness

  • HomicidalApe talks too much for his own good.
  • Evil villains also tend to talk way too much for their own good.
  • Vampires tend to be evil and villanous.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe must be a vampire.

11. Argument from a gaming standpoint

  • HomicidalApe plays lots of FPS games.
  • FPS games involve mass killing of the enemy.
  • Vampires mass-murder their enemies.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe is a vampire.

12. Argument from a badass standpoint

13. Argument from a psychic standpoint

  • I actually have 13 proofs but the title says 12.
  • I double checked that I did not make a mistake, so it was not my fault
  • An outside influence must have affected my counting skills
  • Vampires can sometimes use telekinesis to mind control people
  • HomicidalApe was chanting something strange earlier today.
  • 13, coincidentally, is also a very unlucky number
  • Vampires are pretty unlucky.
  • Therefore, HomicidalApe must be a vampire.

14. Argument from an abstract standpoint

  • Ape begins with the letter “a” which is the second letter in the word “vAmpire”.
  • Vampires are known to feed on dead animals from time to time. So vampire apes must exist somewhere and as previously stated, all vampires are homicidal by nature.
  • If a vampire bat flaps its wings in Bangladesh then a homicidal ape is bound to be born in the northern USA.
  • Vampires wear black and avoid the sun just as apes do when they are teething.

15. Argument from a musical standpoint


Conclusion

No doubt about it, keep away from that villain named HomicidalApe; he'll suck your blood and turn you into a vampire too!

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